On Sunday, a friend invited me to go bowling. I went; I did not bowl. I didn't bowl because when ever I finish bowling, I promise myself I won't ever make the mistake of bowling again. But that can be a hard promise to keep, because bowling seems fun. It sounds fun. It something I've been force fed as fun since I was a child and that association of pseudo-fun is hard to break. But the harsh reality is: bowling sucks.
Nobody wants to hear it, but it's true. There's nothing fun about bowling, not one solitary aspect. There are a few things which commonly happen during a bowling experience that people will volunteer as the "fun" parts. I firmly disagree with all of these.
The game itself is not fun. I will admit, that I am not a good bowler. I've broken 100 several times, but by no means is it guaranteed that I will do so. The only advantage to being a better bowler, is that you're required to bowl less. A 300 game takes only 12 rolls, whereas I normally have to roll at least 18 or 19 times just to get that same feeling of non-accomplishment.
Some people think the computerized scoring system can be fun. It gives everybody a chance to come up with a funny nickname for themselves or each other, which is normally projected onto a screen that everyone in the bowling alley can see. Well that could be fun, right? Nope, this is not fun. If this is your idea of fun, there's an old-fashioned, pull-knob cigarette vending machine in the corner which should entertain you for hours, while the rest of us leave you and your friendship far behind.
"But you can drink while you're doing it". I find this to be an insulting argument in favor of bowling, or any activity really. I like to drink. I love to drink. I drink all the time. I consider dinking to be its own activity, and a great one, and I don't want it being sullied by its association with lesser events. Drinking is fun on its own. Bowling isn't. Drinking is what saves bowling from extinction, maybe the only thing that makes it tollerable. Since bowling and drinking are so synonymous, you'd assume the Professional Bowlers Association (PBA) tour probably has Budweiser or some other brewery as its corporate sponsor. Nope. This year the PBA tour is brought to you by......Denny's. That's right, Denny's. As in, "Mom, do we have to eat at Denny's".
Some people have bowling alleys in their houses. Those people are called "new money." New money isn't bad, it's just normally tacky. So is a bowling alley in your house. Bowling is a blue collar game. That's not a reason to dislike it, it's just one of the realities. Rich people bowl, but they do it on lawns, it's called lawn bowling. Then they send their servants to fetch the balls. Having a bowling alley in your home is meant to convey to your neighbors that you have a lot of money, enough money that you can allot a certain section of square footage to your bowling hobby. "Wow, that guy sure does have a lot of extra money!", say your neighbors. But inside your sad mansion, your bowling alley sits alone gathering dust, because now that you're rich, you realize how little time you want to spend bowling. Why? Because you're rich. You can do anything you want, and the thing that never shows up on the top of that list is BOWLING. Why? Because bowling sucks. Now you just have to wait for some other asshole to win the lottery, so he can turn around a buy your house because he can't believe he'd ever be rich enough to have a house with a bowling alley in it.
Clearly, I'm not a fan of bowling. But I cannot say I'll never do it again. Next year another buddy will call and invite me to go bowling. And then I'll be up against bowling's greatest asset: it takes 364 days to forget exactly how fucking lame bowling is.
